Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
You Might Also Like
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno