when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
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Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
scares
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”