The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
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I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips