Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
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“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”