*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
You Might Also Like
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Lol.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.