REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
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I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.