My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
You Might Also Like
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Yup….perfect score!
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.