me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
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*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
men, we mow at sunrise.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.