Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
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Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.