My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
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Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Confused owl: What?!
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.