COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
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I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Where is your GOD now????
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding