Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
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Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
My new favorite headline
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.