Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
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If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Buying a well is money well spent.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?