A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
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“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.