I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
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HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
consequences, the bane of my existence
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Breaking news:
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*