*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
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The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Breaking news:
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true