Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
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it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Maths meets science
Word!
Give a baker flours on your first date.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu