I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
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[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.