Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
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me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency