I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
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host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
I’ve had worse
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work