Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
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I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.