Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
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Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”