If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
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The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”