Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
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As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
They say women only use 10% of their anger
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth