“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
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Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
The only good comments section online is on recipes
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?