Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
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[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Saturday
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.