My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
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A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
i love modern commerce
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes