SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
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Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.