Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
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Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.