KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
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Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
opening twitter today
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that