It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
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I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Which wines pair best with gloating?
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know