My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
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I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again