Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
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If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send