My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
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Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out