Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
You Might Also Like
one of
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
This is my emotional support knife.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Danger is very dangerous