Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
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When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down