So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
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BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Brother?
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me