I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
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Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
If you had more money you’d be happier.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
I’m dying louder than usual today.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you