I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
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Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
The Friday File.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.