me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
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Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Finally a use for spoilers…
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.