I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
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I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah