judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
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wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.