“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
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Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Super Hand Dog Face
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.