When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
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[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.