The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
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The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
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(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower