I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
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Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
all bases covered
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”