My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
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*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works