God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
You Might Also Like
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
From my Mom
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.