Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
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‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Oops I deleted….
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico