The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
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I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
i now pronounce you bounced.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.